Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Growing weary

Two weeks ago, my dad's mum, my nanna, died.
Dad had texted me the day before to say that things were looking like they'd be 'make or break' and unfortunately it was break. To me, it is mostly unfortunate because it meant my dad lost his mum.

I don't see Nanna's death as a tragedy; she had dementia for the last five or so years. The last time I visited her was about two years ago. She was walking, with her hands clenched in fists, up and down the corridors of her care home. Dad and I stayed to see her for less than 5 minutes - she barely knew we were there. The last time I'd been, she knew who Dad was, just. At first, she seemed to think I was dad's girlfriend but after a little while she seemed to know who I was.

When Dad called me that Thursday morning, I sad but mostly relieved...and then guilty for feeling like that. I felt that my Dad hadn't really had his mum around for a long time. I don't know exactly what I believe about Heaven but I think that there is no way Nanna could be there without being back to her 'normal' self.

After trying to find the last photos I had with Nanna, I tried really hard to remember things about her. There weren't a lot of recent memories to think about. But there were lots of little things from her old house that spurred memories and after talking with my sisters, cousins, Aunty, Dad and Nanna's sister, we were all able to piece little bits and pieces together. Things like when she would take us to the car boot markets when we were little, feeding chokos to the cows in the neighbouring paddock, sitting in the dark in their lounge room watching bad shows from the ABC and when Nanna made us shoes out of plastic bags for us to walk and slide around the yard.


Thankfully, I have been to only a few funerals, mostly of people I was not very close to, but as a result, I find the process of grieving utterly foreign. I cry fairly often and while I was, and am, upset for my dad, I am not devastated at losing Nanna. I was glad that her brain could finally rest, and I hope all the good memories of her life came flooding back to her.

...

I spoke to my mum this morning and she had just been to the local ANZAC service to watch her dad, my grandpa, in the march. This year marked the first year he rode in a car at the service. He turns 90 next month and while I know he is an old man, I was so surprised to hear that he wasn't marching because only the really old men do that. For my whole life, he has been the most capable man I know. Perhaps it is a childish idea, but while I don't mind growing older, I wish it didn't mean that everyone around me did too.

In April

Clockwise from Large image: A girls night at Riverbar; some wise words from Steve Martin; & Dallas Clayton; make up and hair joy - thanks as always Zoe Foster-Blake; Facebook is trying to play matchmaker; how to be a human being; beached boat in post-flood Bundaberg; calligraphuck imparts some good advice; my gorgeous girlfriends found me my sold out Real Living/Target spotty bedspread; GIRLS wisdom.

I have celebrated this very last day of school holidays with some dip and licorice and finally being able to tune my television into Channel 10. Miracles do happen, apparently.

Reading: Over Easter I read Favel Parrett's Past the Shallows. The book was incredibly haunting, and like the Australian fiction novel, Of a Boy, that I read this time last year, this one will stay with you long after you've read it. The story revolves around three brothers in Tasmania and the relationship they have with each other and their father after the death of their mother. Read it!

After indulging in a lot of magazine reading in the new year, Marie Claire recommended the blog Man Repeller. Apart from the fashion posts, which are just a little over my head, the blog and its sharp, witty pieces is thoroughly enjoyable. Get it here.

Writing: Supervisions for my classes. My Nanna, my dad's mum, passed away on Wednesday, and I will be away for the most of this first week of school. I've also been doing a lot of the comprehension questions that I'll set for my Year 12s and their Gatsby studies. I can't wait to teach it.


Listening: I bought the Sapphires album to listen to on the way home from Bundy. It is some of the most joyful music I have listened to in a long time. Still addicted to this Rhianna number.



Enjoying: Breakfast at my favourite hang; watching The Great Gatsby and swooning over gorgeous Robert Redford; passing my hand-me-downs on to a friend and having her teen daughters swoon over things I don't love so much any more.

Eating: Sushi and gyoza last night at The Barracks and last week, a group of us (above) went to Matt Moran's Riverbar on Eagle Street. I've been there twice and both times the service and food were both excellent. Go there!

Wearing: Chambray (above)! I have been looking for one of these shirts since ogling Kendi's for such a long time. It is nice to be able to throw on something long sleeved and not be a sweaty, hot mess.

Planning:To watch another excellent Queensland Reds victory this weekend vs the Brumbies; a girls weekend at some point; my high school reunion; my birthday. So, not much..

Watching: Bunheads, Hart of Dixie, The Mindy Project and this. 


How are you? How has your April been so far?

In the air

Image by Dallas Clayton at www.dallasclayton.com

I really and truly was all set to blog in the recent weeks but no one likes a blog dedicated to feeling blue.

The internet, it seems, is a good place of solace for a lot of people when things are just not going to plan but no one particularly 'enjoys' reading about such feelings, I can't imagine.

In times like the past two months, I find myself drawing on perspective and common sense to compartmentalise whatever it might be that is keeping me down, or stuck, or feeling like I'm walking through thick air everyday.

For example, hundreds of people in my hometown were being forced out of their homes as flood waters rose rapidly, and at never before seen heights, all around them.
Colleagues were losing loved ones, including their babies, to death that came about all too soon.
And yet I was finding myself in tears most nights, and pretty much any time I was on my own.
I know, total joyful blogging.

Perhaps the catalyst for the shit-full feelings of angst, were the disappearance of a friendship I'd become to rely upon and the reappearance of an old flame's foul alter-ego as well as general boredom and post-holidays heartbreak.

All I can say is that when it came time to interview for a temporary (as in, only 5 weeks, but still) promotion at work, I went in guns blazing. 
For me, there is no medicine like a challenge and I really crave the feeling being busy and of having a purpose.

-----

This was all written about two weeks ago.

Two nights ago, after reading about E's break from the Internet and finding myself spending oh so much time scrolling through the lives of others on Instagram and Twitter, spending minute up on minute doing nothing, I deleted the apps from my phone. I totally realise the irony of writing about leaving social media while on my blog... It has been good, so far, 48 hours in. My goal is don't check it before Easter.

As for the walking through thick air, I'm feeling far better. The shit-full anxiety has eased, the friendship hasn't returned but I've basically come to accept that and the alter-ego is still there, but thankfully, is less present, for now (touch wood). I'm relishing my new role, despite the serious busy-ness it involves and have been spending more time chatting to my sisters, reading, watching TV (The Mindy Project, New Girl and The Hart of Dixie) and getting back into juicing (spinach, pineapple, strawberry and orange).


So, we'll see.

It is not Winter here

A few years ago I wouldn't have been able to fathom life without a television. These days, mine is rarely turned on. While I was studying, I figured TV was a bit too indulgent and I always figured I could be spending my time more productively. And then I got access to free wi-fi and so I mostly just stream shows I watch. For instance, I'm currently battling a serious Gossip Girl addiction and a few days before that I devoured all of Season 2 of Homeland. This tangent is going somewhere. Namely, to the fact that it seems we are all wired enough to function and be informed without TV. For example, I knew before I stepped outside this morning that today was going to be stinking hot and I did not need Karl nor Kochie to tell me that this morning. My weather apps and everyone else's facebook statuses did that for me. Same thing last night when Brisbane smelled like burning. There is a big fire and due to the wind, caused suburbs ages away to smell like the fire was just around the corner. I have spent today, and most of yesterday, inside.

I've been enjoying doing NOTHING.

But today I am a little restless. I had planned to begin my planning for the year but without a current school timetable, that planning is difficult to do. I gave it a good 15 minutes before giving up. Surely that counts. 

I thought I'd let you know what January has been like for me instead.

 

 This time last week, my new bed was delivered. It is not in the plan to get a whole bunch of new bedding so instead I bought three sets of these spotty, sheer curtains from Big W of all places ($15 a set on sale). I like that they still let in a lot of light but aren't sheer enough for every passer by to see in.

 I am not interested in any more posts that simply feature resolutions. I don't really care if people break their resolutions. These are my little goals for the year. Actually, they're big goals. A friend put on facebook this morning a list and one of them was that you should consider the 5 big, important things you'd like to have accomplished by the end of 2013. These are practical goals and important ones to keep me on track.

 Each new year, I start with clean towels and fresh flowers. These babies are only now starting to wilt. I think the heat has gotten the better of them.

 My favourite Samantha Wills go-to necklace was a gift from a student (picked out by his mum and sister I think). It was very unexpected and very generous. I didn't think rose gold would be so wearable but I put it on almost every day. Yesterday I wore it with denim shorts, a flannel shirt (yep, I forgot it was 30 degrees outside) and sandals to go to Java Lounge to catch up with a colleague. Breakfasts and late late lunches are pretty much my favourite thing about holidays.

 Just a few bits and pieces around my room. I decided to pull my camera out and try to capture things a little more carefully than I would if I were posting on Instagram. In hindsight, that's probably something I should put on that goal list up there; learn how to better use my camera. 

This is the pile of books on my bed side at the moment. To have too many books to read is a pretty good burden to have.

A Tuesday in December

Dad & his shopping}{my Christmas lights} {Edey and her piggy}{an on sale Wish dress} {car antlers} {Pimms and my H&M Dress} {the view from mum, dad and Shan's hotel} {Under my mortar board} {A rad car}

Since school has finished for the year I've spent my days reading (finishing Will Grayson, Will Grayson and The Great Gatsby for school next year), exercising and eating.

Last Monday I graduated from my Masters degree at UQ. My family was all there, except Bro but we made do...

The day was awful, with it raining on all the pretty graduands before the ceremony. But the ceremony was quite good and both the Valedictorian's speech and the speech made by retiring principal Adele Rice, kept the audience interested.

Since then, I had brunch with Erin at Vintage Kitchen, Vintage Closet at Coorparoo. She bought me an awesome graphic novel version of The Great Gatsby and I got to admire her excellent red lips and baby belly in person.

I also ended  up bed shopping which took me from David Jones at Chermside, all the way to Logan, Ikea and back. While at Ikea I did get some excellent Christmas lights and all my wrapping paper (plus ice trays..who can resist?!). Taylor and I took her new car, Leo, for a drive and looked at few Christmas lights. Anyone in Brisbane MUST get to 17 Bowers Road South at Everton Hills. It blew my mind. The other day a friend of my took me to see some of the local Christmas lights because he knew how much I liked them. There are few things that make me as happy as Christmas lights and fireworks.

Saturday saw a group of us head to Maree's place for our Annual Christmas Dinner. This year Maree cooked everything for us. I made some really good Pimms and we exchanged weird and inappropriate Secret Santa presents. Yesterday, I spent some time with Sarah and Ben and presented their daughter Eden with a pig and pirate doll for Christmas. The pig is actually a dog toy...but I've never seen a kid who doesn't like a snorting piggy. Edey loved it.

The photos at the top of this post are my recent ones from Fat Mum Slim's Photo a Day. I've begun this challenge a few times but seemed to find it hard in my everyday life to find GOOD photos to post. Oh how I hate it when people post terrible/grainy/out of focus photos and get hundreds of likes. I just don't get it. I'm on instagram as kforkarli so if you want to follow me, I'll see you there.

Lately: December

 Reading:John Green's Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I think I'm officially obsessed with him. I have The Great Gatsby and Dawn French's autobiography also waiting for some serious holiday reading time.

Writing: In my Line a Day Diary. It is the only diary I've ever properly kept up with.

Drinking: Loads of water and a bit of wine. Anything sweet. Brown Brother's Crouchen Riesling is perfect and sweet.

Listening: Seeker Lover Keeper (Thanks Z!), a lot of Taylor Swift, The Elf Soundtrack and heaps of Christmas music.

Playing: With Instagram and lots of other photo apps.

Enjoying: The start of holidays, before the inevitable boredom sets in. Exercise - 500 metres in the pool in my new togs and goggles today and then a 6km walk.
Also, this photo:

These (+ about 100 more) balloons took five Year 11 boys about 2 hours to blow up. They were for our graduating class' farewell but seeing as I finished uni that day as well, I thought they were a little bit for me too. This is one of my most favourite colleagues & I think this photo captures the two of us so perfectly.

Loving: That my family is coming for my graduation (except BroBro); reading and bomb diving into the pool; breakfast with good friends; surprise visits from old friends.

Planning: to buy my new, fancy bed (bye bye Ikea bed); to get away for New Year's Eve; my sister's Secret Santa present.